On The Way To Happy

The worst part of not writing lately, is missing something important. A question was asked that I felt compelled to answer in a formal post. The question was posed from reader Ron as follows:

“When you first considered dating after being married for 22 years, did you feel like you were being unfaithful? Was it weird? Have you made the shift emotionally from being part of a couple to being single? Or, is it a work in progress still?”

What a question. Anyone faced with this question knows the daunting reality of trying to answer it. I know this person asking is also somewhere similar to where I have been, and it breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that anyone has to endure this kind of hurt. Even if one is certain that ending the marriage contract is essential to a better life in the end; It hurts no less. Even those of you who have not faced divorce but have struggled to make a marriage enriching for both you and your partner by being sensitive to each one’s needs, most partners have imagined the fear of facing life wondering if you would make a mistake by ending it or the overwhelming consideration of finding a new life, possibly alone. So, I’ll do my best to answer these questions posed and hope that others with various perspectives will chime in as well.

I never felt unfaithful when beginning the dating process. I guess because we, my ex and I, battled so fiercely toward the end, that we left no doubt we were exhausted and ready to move forward. I think the biggest struggle with beginning the dating process is the fact that I found myself that I had not opened myself up to perfect strangers in a long time. Vulnerable and raw is how I felt and currently still feel. In addition, intimacy seems to move a bit faster. Why? Maybe because most of the characters involved have come from marriages where intimacy was a frequent given. That’s my take on the subject.

So I would lay awake at night after meeting someone interesting and worry myself sick about concerns, questions and uncertainty. Is this new candidate for real? Is he a murderer in a past life and has changed his identity? Is he a player and feeding you all the BS you’ve wanted to hear for the past decade? So many fears, thus creating so much doubt in one’s self. It’s still a struggle I face every time I find someone attractive and consider whether or not I want to take the opportunity  to know that particular person. So, no, I didn’t ever feel unfaithful. Quite the opposite. But weird? Yes. And that aspect has not gone away. I pray often to find an old friend, one of whom I always respected and felt fondly toward, one who might stumble across me and consider a possible relationship. Or at least a chapter in life of fun, monogamy and laughter along with a few of the normal ickies in life.

And finally, the last part of the question series is do I feel single or do I struggle? This too, is complicated for me. I cannot give a definite answer to one or the other. Some days I awake so happy I am single, young, free, healthy and alive. I am ready to tear the world up and sell my writing. Contented knowing that Mr. Almost-Perfect may be right around the next bend. But I have almost as many days where I awake and quickly close my eyes and begin praying that God will help me get out of bed and find the strength to go frolic in the land of the living when all I feel like doing is dying. I think what keeps this scenario from being so tragic is, I felt the latter so many mornings while still inside my marriage, as I’m sure my ex would have concurred. I think it’s truly just life; some days are easy and others we need help to get going. It’s our job to find our motivation. Mine is God, mediation and a fortunate aptitude to be naturally pretty jolly.

To Ron, I hope this helps. I would highly encourage others to share other thoughts or suggestions, too. Until then, please consider whatever it might be that will give you some kick in your step. I found running again and I now, quite surprisingly, but I really like it. A friend showed me a great place off the asphalt and it is serene, quiet and beautiful. I especially like what the act of running is doing for my body composition. Also, I’m pushing myself to get out and about and learn new sports like trail running, kayaking and mountain biking. What has worked for you to get the courage to join the land of the living? And Ron, anything else from you? I’m sorry, too, Ron for being so absent lately. Thank you for the well wishes and the warm welcome back.